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Last updated
8 Jan 1998


sinclair@nvg.ntnu.no

The Worst of the YS Letters Page
By Richie

One of the more unusual delights of the Sinclair scene in its more golden years were the rather strange letters pages in the fabled Your Sinclair magazine. Most of the time the letters actually printed related very little to Speccys or computers at all, which means they're probably a good all round read. (Well if your sense of humour is like mine they might be).

Before I start, a brief explanation. Each letter appears with it's original title from the magazine, along with the issue number it appears in. Any interruptions, replies and nonsuch by the editor appear in italics. Also the names have been removed to protect the stupid...

I should also like to clear up any vicious rumours that I made these letters up. They are all genuine and I didn't write any of them.


666

(62)

What is it with you about rock music? Every time a "pun" concerning Iron Maiden, G'n'R and what ahve you crops up you seem to slag them off. A couple of examples here are the Satan review and the rules for the Castle Master compo. I don't know what makes you think that rock bands write about the Devil all the time, 'cos none of the records I listen to do anything of the sort. And if you think Iron Maiden are a "crappy heavy metal" group, then perhaps you'd like to explain why No Prayer For The Dying has gone straight in at Number Two? [Easy. Iron Maiden have made a pact with the Devil]. On the other hand you think that "bands" like De La Soul and whatever are the best thing since sliced Speccies. Personally I don't think any of these "rappers" could play anything musical even if there was money in it. Claims that some guy called Posdnuous being able to write lyrics about anything is utter bull - most second years write better lyrics than him. And worst of all is that there is absolutely NO variation in any of these so called "songs" so it's very easy to get bored with them. Rap and soul music is a poor excuse to earn money without taking the time and effort to learn the "proper" music we rockers do. We have a motto which says "Anybody who likes soul should be shot (bang!)", so I'd like a full explanation of your prejudice against rock or an apology - else I'll send our drummer's brother round (who's 24 and of a VERY large build). By th way, YS is still totally brilliant

Let me explain. I used to be dead into rock music - Hendrix is absolutely brilliant and AC/DC are pretty good as well. But one day I bought a Judas Priest album, but it on my record deck and spun the disck backwards (as one does with Judas Priest albums). Imagine my alarm when this message came out of my speakers - "Stop listening to heavy metal music. If you don't, the Devil will come to you in the dead of night, dig his talons into your brain, and rip it out of your skull. You have been warned." So there you have it. I immediately burned my record collection and "got into" rap, soul and dance. Surely you can't blame me for that?


Ahoy! Evil Plan Afoot!

(65)

So, you're the new Ed, eh? Well, I've finally driven Matt out with my devious toys and now I can start all over again with you.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
My little Acme toys are full of fun!
Go ahead, have a go!
You will be hearing from me again soon, with more surprises. You have not heard, the last from The Caped Avenger!

So it's all your fault, is it? You mean little plonker. You reduced what used to be a fairly sensible and rather nice little chap into an absolute quivering megalomaniac. And I refuse to go the same way. Hear Ye! Let it be known throughout the land that I, Andy Ide, will keep a firm grip on my sanity when all about me are falling by the wayside of certifiability.

I remember your little toys - there's not a great variety of them is there? They all seem to involve tiny pieces of paper which go everywhere. But I'm not that bothered. I just give them to Linda to open cos she doesn't mind being covered in white paper - it reminds her of her childhood. She's kinds nutsy that way. Oh, and by telling me that I'll be hearing from you soon you've lost the all-important element of surprise that's so vital in any operation of this sort.


A Flare Denial

(65)

Yo! Swing your flares and trendy kipper tie with orange circles on them! So how goes it, you peacefaring, cosmic reveller? At last someone who is as horrible to the people as I am has emerged from the oblivious depths of the YS shed.

I do not wear flares, nor do I wear ties. My hippy-ness expresses itself in the pale blue aura which surrounds my body, not in my clothes.
And I'm certainly not as horrible as you.


Taking The Michael

(31)

You don't care do you?
I worked for seconds writing that letter you published in the Feb '88 ish, but what reward do I get? NOWT!
Well, I have several things to say in response to the Astra Cavalier attitude you show to your readers : I HATE YOU ALL, YOU BUNCH OF NEO-FASCIST LEFTY YOBBOES!
I have also drawn up a four point plan of revenge.

  1. Buy all unsold copies of Crash, Sinclair User etc, to make your sales figures look crap.
  2. Force-feed Phil South until he reaches critical mass, implodes and turns into a black hole, which with any luck you will all disappear down.
  3. Ring up all the double glazing firms in Great Britain and give them your names and addresses.
  4. Tell Anneka Rice that there's a clue hidden in your filing cabinet.

Well, I can see that none of this having the silghtest effect as you've all nipped off to the pub while I was writing (sniff). You don't care, nobody cares. (sob) You all hate me. I bet you're all wishing I'd get run over by a bus (snort). Well I won't. I'm gonna put my head in this balaclave and turn on the shower unless you send me a badge!

I don't think we show an Astra Cavalier attitude to our readers - more a Reliant Robin one. And to prove it I've printed your letter and I'm even going to send you a badge. By the way how did you know there was a clue hidden in my filing cabinet?


Spookmares

(42)

!Ha!
I'm very scarey. I have more scare than all the weird aliens in the baddest of your most wild dreams. More scary than the ones on somebody's back (and I'll say not who). Yeutsch!

Blimey. Anything you say!


(untitled)

(61)

From : Van Doorslaer Patrick - Elia
Ref : Maleachi, last verses (bible), "in the end of times, I'll send you ELIA..."
Desire : Please keep this message for pus/minus two weeks. No reaction before forfilling of the prediction.
I, Elia, have send messages all over th eworld in order to predict an immense sign coming to the world. My English is poor, but I'll try to manage. I even send a message to Tibet; Lasha Potala "the Holy Temple" etc. [I'll bet they were grateful.] Elia = humanity. Proof = the sign. Sign = now very soon.
"Immense turbulance, storm, not natural phenomena - a possible removing of the planet - ths sign of Christ (the cross) in the sky. All over the world. Incredibly powerful and frightening." I sign with blood. [He really did sign with blood.]
A drink adapted well in Europe, France. Cows don't notice anything in their food if man added medicine. They are too stupid. We are too stupid to understand what God changed, added (permanent) to that water. He wants us to FIGHT for that water. CAn you take the risk? An eskimo, an Inca... no rights? I don't want attention before the forfilling, just keep this message for a while - organise a war for that water. I want this message to be read on the NEWS, to get in the papers after the shocking sign. God wants us to show sex and beautiful porno on television to calm Satan. My next prediction is the total destriction of New York. [Corks!] It's the greatest prediction ever, just wait for the sign. Mrs Thatcher received a letter in August. Did she keep it? (I cannot be sure.) I was raised in Germany - I don't like Belgium.

I don't expect Belgium's exactly crazy about you either.


Bug Bytes

(42)

Send me a badge or my pet fly (enclosed) will bite your head off. PS : It may be dead by the time it gets to you.

You were right, it was as dead as a dodo! And your bargaining power perished with it. Still I'll send you a badge anyway.


A Hatstand Writes

(46)

In response to David White's letter in ish 44, I wish to say that I am sick of people misquoting my wife. "Let them eat cake!" Huh! What rubbish! What she really said was "Let them eat brioches!", which was a book she had just written, and was very good at the time. Be careful when you're quoting. Y'know, look it up first awight?
Louis XVI

Blimey, your majesty, that told him! Hang on a mo! Haven't you been dead for the last 200 years? Yes, you and your famille had your heads lopped off back in 1793, if I'm not much mistaken! That's what all that palaver was in gaie Pareee in July. Spook!! Anyway, I'll send your badge off to the Palace of Versailles.

(Berk! - T'zer)


Pillock

(57)

I'd like to say "Matt's a pillock" and why? Because in the June ish, on the Turrican preview he said "There are nine weapons, and here they all are." But you only printed seven, and if I don't get a Trainspotter I'll throw a tantrum and cry.

And I don't even have to make up some ridiculous lie to get out of it! You forgot to enclose your name and address you clot! Ho ho ho!


Bovine McSpongiform

(57)

I am a mad cow-eek-eek, knock knock cuckoo! I am writing to say "Boing" and that YS is rubbish. And wicked. Cook them sausages, cook them sausages - NOW! ooh yes, ooh yes - NEVER! Noee, noee, noee nanana. So can yo - here he comes, baa, meow, woof woof. Please change your socks.

Actually there's a new party game we play down here in Bath. It's a bit like Pass The Parcel, except instead of a parcel we use some opened tins of Whiskas "Supermeat". The tins (and a spoon) are passed from person to person until the music stops, whereupon the chump holding them has to take a mouthful. The games on for three weeks and the winner is the first person who stands up, starts walking round and round in circles and then drops, dribbling, onto the floor. Duncan normally wins.


Double Treble Bluff

(59)

Please don't make this the Star Letter. Aha! But then you would think that I was trying to make you think that I wanted the Star Letter by trying to outwit you. Aha! But then you would think that I would want you to think that I would want you to think that I wanted to think that I didn't want the Star Letter then you would think that you would know that I was trying to fool you by saying I didn't want the Star Letter and then thinking I did really BUT I wouldn't really think that you would think that I would think that you couldn't think I wanted it. Then again [Oh, shut up.] you COULD think that I didn't want the Star Letter by making you think I did want it when i really didn't, then you would think I did, but REALLY I was thinking that I did but you thought I didnt, then I did want it.

God, all this multiple bluffing has given me a migraine. I'll tell you what I'll have to do - and that's to conduct one of my "experiments". I'm going to hold Barry (the YS guinea-pig) underwater in the YS fishtank for three minutes. If Barry can hold is breath that long then I'll assume you really DON'T want the Star Letter, in which case I'll give it to you. If, on the other hand, Barry dies, I'll assume the opposite and not give it to you. Okay? Ready? Right, count to 180, everybody.

(Oh no! - Barry)


Postman Prat

(24)

Pheargh gargle argh rumble grumble ick nearh leargh ach ugh groan hurh slurp ack tromble yeargh sign
PS : Sorry I couldn't phone as I didn't have a 10p.

You don't fool me. I know who you are. Only someone who works for British Telecom wouldn't have 10p to make a phone call so you've got to be from Firebird. But I won't embarrass you, Tom Watson, by mentioning any names. Haven't you got anything better to do than writte obscene letters?
(Like writing obscene press releases).


Too Late!

(88)

Watch out for the red dandruff. It wll sell all your secrets to the enemy and force you to print a picture of Kylie Minogue.

I wish you'd have warned me earlier. I saw the red dandruff, but I thought it was hundreds and thousands and didn't think twice about inviting it in.


Star Perv

(26)

I bought the November 87 issue of your magazine and it is fair to say that I am very disappointed with it. There were no naked women, no whips, no stimulating stories and no readers' wives. Instead, there was just a lot of highly amusing, entertaining and informative talk about computers, computer games and other computery things - though there was a comic called Viz which was very funny. I don't see how you can expect to compete with other titles such as Knave, Men Only, Fiesta and Sunday Sport with this approach. I suggest you rapidly change your content to feature more breasts, buttocks, tongues, whips and so on - the only people I can see buying your magazine are computer ownders - so come on, pull your socks off (and the rest).

I'm disgusted at your attitude. You're probably one of those rubber keyboard owners with a floppy one! If you want a seedy magazine full of filth and garbage go and buy *****. And for your information I don't wear socks, I wear stockings with suspenders and a garter and... oo-er whatagiveaway!


Spot The Mistake

(22)

Erm, is Brian there? His cream for the boil on his bottom is ready, if you'd like to pick it up.
Oh sorry! Wrong address!

As it happens Phil could do with a zit stick after all those cream cakes he keeps stuffing himself with!


Sti Lla Ni Hsilop

(43)

Nazywam sig Krzysztof Frys, Mieszkam w Polsce. Posiadam Komputer Spectrum. Bardzo cenig sobie Wasze pismo. Prose o przystianie mi kilku egzemplarzy !Your Sinclair! Z gory uprzejmie dzigkuge. Z wryoazami szacunji.

That's easy for you to say.


Tea Bag Terrorists

(64)

I have enclosed a treat for Andy (Happy Shopper Tea Bag).
The Hippies Assassin Club
PS : Ha Ha Ha Ha!

What's this? Some kind of pathetic double-bluff? Maybe I'd better check it out on James first. (Sounds of tea making). And get your grammer right. It should by "The Hippies Assassination Club", not "The HIppies Assassin Club". Unless of course your club only has one member, which I rather suspect to be the case. (Sound of James dropping on the floor.) Congratulations on the cuppa though.


The Bright Ideas Of Ten Seas

(54)

And there I was. My eyes couldn't see a thing above me. i was in total darkness, inside and outside my soul. Where was I? I was talking to nobody. "Nobody" is like a dark sun that only rises black, but is still something or someone. Wandering about with my personality, the only friend, the only somebody I had at the moment. And I forgot something - I had some matches in my pocket. The bright ideas of ten seas. No more black ones. I think I know what this place is. Buildings all around looking like spiders or ants with giant legs. A very odd thing, but I know where I am now. I am inside a Spectrum. Your Sinclair, Your Sinclair, it's the only way of getting out of here. [Blimey.] Was I dreaming? It was real! It couldn't be real but it was. Was I reduced to a short form or had the computer got bigger? You know, I'm inside the Spectrum like a spy. Im more than just a computer data-bus, I'm a chielf of address (in secret of course) [Of course.] The CPU can't know. I've got a factory job. A spy job. I have a fourth dimensional view from here. Hey, I could even be in your Spectrum. [Heaven forbid.] STOP!!! (Phew, whatta big note.) Preview to Ed's response - "This is a rough business to read!"

This is a rough business to read


Take My Breath Away

(34)

Strewth! Who's the gorgeous gal sittin' beside the pissed elf in May's Magacompo? Tell her I'll take her for a spin in my F14 any day!
Fornit some Fornus - Tom Cruise
PS : If you print this, donate my badge (or the 4.5p money equivalent), to the USAF Fighter school, Mirimar, California. Ta!
PPS : Did you know that ants have discos?!

Jackie (The gorgeous gal) should've been pleased, but it's obvious you wouldn't know a gorgeous gal if she came up and hit you in the face with a wet monkfish! There were no elves in the pic - what's the matter with your eyes?


Just Say Cheese

(87)

Have you ever thought about all the different things that you can do with cheese? In vast quantities it is a very good substitute for a house. Cheese is also quite good for carving statues. Personally I think grate [Groan!] poems can be written about cheese. Here's one I made up...
Cheese
Could be even better
If someone
Made sweaters

The problem with cheese is that it sweats and goes all smelly. You're much better off with something like stale bread. If you coat it with a weather-resistant varnish it will keep out the rain, as well as staying mould-free.


Back Again

(86)

I couldn't get the rose petals or the cuckoo spit - wrong season - but I got loads more stuff instead. Here's my list: Spaghetti straws, CWE 67 yeast compound, paprika, chilli, diet tonic water, marbles, grape tannin, acrylic paint water, coriander, organic black peppercorns, tartaric acid, Nutradol, Spellbound, yeast nutrient, citric acid, Wyoming Bentonite, Pectolite enzyme, soap, large poppy seeds, sodium metabisulphate, Camden tablets, Borax, glycerine, white peppercorns, pine bath crystals, normal / greasy hait shampoo, slime bubble bath, wax granules, lemon bath salts, small oppy seeds, Darjeeling tea, pickling spices, dried mint, HOT curry powder, ash, curry spices, rubber shavings, pencil shavings, wet paper mush, soil.

I think I'll go for the slime bubble bath and black peppercorns - they'll make an invigorating bodyscrub. The glycerine and grape tannin will make a very interesting-smelling hand cream. Oh, and you might as well send the Spellbound as it is!


Two Pints of Grettpox and a Packet of Crisps Please!

(75)

Although originally from another planet I was forced to make an emergancy landing and disembarkation on this measly and primitive planet of yours. I wish you to either contact the Bodfioq government and tell them of my plight, or provide me with details or where I can obtain a trans-jokslityal divergent, and a couple of pints of blue grettpox. Be warned. Should you not co-operate then, when i get back to Bodfioque, I shall ask the army to selectively introduce a little known and incurable virus to your feeble place of organisation, the Shed. This virus will turn all of your publishing equipment into flesh-eating maggots which will devour your corpses after your metabolisms have been stopped dead by the virus.
Oh, do humans find slime-covered, vomit-coloured, vile-smelling seven-tentacled beings disgusting? If so, why?

Worra load of used teabags! Even I know that a trans-jokslityal divergent is Bodfioque for a Competition Pro joystick, and two pints of blue grettpox is two Megagames. And I only did Bodfioque for two terms in the first year of secondary school. I dunno, just cos I wear a baseball cap everybody thinks that my brain's fallen out. Hats keep your brain firmly in place and nice and warm. Don't you lot know anything?
Your flesh-eating maggots don't scare me, Mr so-called Joj. Maryanne and Linda would soon scare them away. Oh and personally I find slimey, smelly beings with seven feelers quite attractive. Always have done.


Once Upon A Time

(75)

One day our cat opened the oven door, went in, and closed it behind her. This was because it was a cold day and the oven was on. Then a Buddhist came in and said he wanted the cat because it was clever. But I said, "No, Mr Buddhist man. You can't have our nice cat. So there."
He said "I will be nice to it and feed it every month." I still said no cos that is not enough and cats have to be fed every day. He said, "But you have four cats and I have no cats." I still said no... and so on.
I'd better go now because if I don't hurry I might miss my bedtime story. And my Cow & Gate spaghetti bolognese will be getting cold.

Kids, eh? The older I get, the more annoying they get. I mean, they've got such an easy life and all they can do is bombard me with ridiculous stories. Everything's done for them and if they want anythinfg else they just have to screm and mum comes running. Enjoy your Cow & Gate while you can kid. When you reach my age people give you very strange looks if you say that your favourite food is creamed spinach.


Nice? Us?

(73)

I am the bogeyman and I terrorise people for a living. I recently bought your mag for the first time and I thought it was all brill. The problem is, you're all far too nice. So, cos I hate nice things, I went into the sewers for a week and came out a bogeyman.
I am going to pester you 'til you are all bogeymen and women. Expect to hear from me soon.

What on earth gave you the impression that we're nice people? We've never done anything to deserve such an insult, it's not only an insult, it's a complete and utter lie. As I look around the shed I can't see anybody being nice. Andy O is taking his bike to pieces and smearing grease on Linda's shoes, Linda's trying to kick Andy. James is pulling the legs off a spider and throwing them at Maryanne who's rushing around, drawing on everybody's arms. Me? Oh, I'm trying to work. If anybody comes anywhere near me, I'll trash 'em. Nice is not our style, Mr Bogey.


Gassed

(55)

This letter contained an unknown poisonous gas. You now only have 27 days to live. however, if you print this letter I will send you the antidote.

I couldn't really care less about the gas - Andy opened the mail this month you see. Mind you, I'd be obliged if you could send the antidote anyway - after all, it costs a bomb advertising for new staff members these days.